Fight Song

Fight Song

Sometimes, in the late hours of the night, we feel alone.  When the pain of the day becomes to much and we can no longer distract ourselves from the depression of the situation we are in.  Our minds spin, swirl, leap, bound, wander and never stop.  We fall deeper into the abyss of depression because each of us is just one person and what can we do?  Some think they’re a burden to the ones they love, a failure because they can not achieve the basic goals they set before themselves.  The biggest fight we deal with every day has nothing to do with the chronic illness we suffer with.  It’s the fight to find the will and strength to make it through another night, another day, another hour, another minute.  It’s the fight to beat the battle we fight inside our own heads.  We who live with chronic illness are the best chameleons you will ever meet.  We can fit into any situation and my any person think we are just fine, even when we have lost a battle we make you think it’s fine and that we can win the next one.  But inside is a whole different story.  Much of the time the only person who see’s the real us is the person looking back in the mirror at us.  I hate showing the sad and upset side of myself to anyone, even the ones I love because they only look back at me with more pain because they suffer for me.  

Some days, it’s all I can do to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch the dogs run around the yard.  On those days I am disgusted with myself.  I know I shouldn’t be, but just because I shouldn’t feel something doesn’t mean I don’t.  I have to work each time to tell myself it’s okay.  It’s okay you didn’t get the job because of your illness, it’s okay your behind on the laundry because of the emotional hangover from the night before, it’s okay to just sit and watch the world go by because tomorrow is another chance to do more and be better.  I work every day not to let the day before win.  I fight every day to make it one step closer to being the person I really want to be inside and out.  And I will be the first to admit that I get really tired of fighting.  Tired of fighting for better health, for a job I love, for the life I want, just tired of fighting for everything.

On those days, in those hours when I feel like I just don’t have any fight left in me, I turn to music.  I put a few songs on repeat and just lose myself in them trying to embody every word and find some kind of strength.  If every battle I have fought was illustrated on my skin, there wouldn’t be an inch of me uncovered.  But that’s the truth of it isn’t it, no one can see the battles you have fought, the ones you won, or the ones you lost.  They see the “healthy” looking “happy” you standing in front of them.

This battle, this fight, this war, that each of us suffers through every day, may never end.  But as long as we keep getting up, and finding a reason why each day is worth living, we can win the fight, one year, one month, one day, one hour, even one minute at a time.  I read once you can stand anything for ten seconds, so when you sit in the darkest of places, pain coursing through every fiber of your being, remember you can do it for ten more seconds.  Then scream, or cry, or throw something, find a way to release the poison building in yourself because only you know how quickly it will build up again. 

So I sit outside, listening to the anthems I tell myself I have to follow, believe in, and follow.  I feel the sun on my back and hear the birds sing nearby.  It is a beautiful day outside, but its a ragging storm inside me.  I try hard to find a way to bring the peace and calm and beauty that surrounds me inside me.  I try to find a way not to let the enemy I am fight today win.  Because if I can win today, maybe I can win tomorrow too.

2 Replies to “Fight Song”

  1. That was lovely! I want to take it to my pain management doctor and tell the joker doctor that this is how we feel. Said so greatly and I appreciate your strong hard work writing for all of us.

    1. Thanks, I am having trouble with this fight to bring so many issues to light, but the more who see and read about it the better. One voice can become many with enough support

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