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Ketamine Infusions: Pain relief weeks at a time

Ketamine Infusions: Pain relief weeks at a time

,I am always exploring new ways to deal with the chronic pain I suffer because of Hpp.  In the last few months I have had the chance to try Ketamine Infusions.  Yes you read that right Ketamine.  It is most commonly known for being a street drug called Special K.  Ketamine is an anesthetic that can provide an out of body experience when not taken properly or under the supervision of a physician.  This drug when administered via IV can be used as a sedative, for postoperative pain, and as a rapid-acting antidepressant.  The medication is similar to Lidocaine in how long it remains in the system, being processed out in under a day. 

Besides my Hpp I also suffer from fibromyaligia, depression, and few other super fun things….not.  So lucky for me this treatment hits many of the treatment points and allows me to treat multiple disease states with a single punch.  But I digress, allow me to share how it helped each one of my disease states.

I have had depression since I was in middle school, and has for the most part, been well managed with anti-depressants. There has always been the typical “low” periods that for me were unavoidable, but manageable.  With the addition of a ketamine infusion, I felt more like real self than I have in many years.  Not manic happy, but not dull, make it through the day either.  More of a steady happy feeling allowing me to enjoy more of the small things I used to. 

With fibromyaligia one of the biggest issues I struggle with is a never ending fatigue.  Not your normal tired, or worked to hard, or didn’t get enough sleep kind.  But the, there is literally no fuel in my muscles to make them move even if I want to, kind of fatigue.  The kind that is not only difficult but down right annoying because my brain is still wide awake and ready to do things, I just can not make my body listen.  Well that was all but washed away with the wonderful effects of the ketamine infusion.  Just a few days post treatment I was able to return to a more normal, busier schedule.  There was enough fuel in my muscles to get the house work done, take care of the dogs (yes I have four!), and work out.  Then just to add a cherry to the top of the sundae, there was no hangover from overdoing it like I would have otherwise suffered.  This is one of the biggest differences I noticed, and continued to notice for upwards of three weeks after treatment.

With my Hpp, a deep aching pain is one of the biggest struggles I deal with on a daily bases.  The pain is never a level 10 so to speak because it is bearable, but when it never seems to dissipate , get better, or improve for longer than a few minutes, it can be like torture.  Thankful relief from this particular symptom was almost immediate after an infusion.  The muscle pain was gone, the deep aching bone pain, was gone, all that was left was the random pains from just being a clumsy shit sometimes. 

The infusion itself was no big deal, and actually kind of refreshing for someone who sleeps maybe four decent hours on a good night.  Because the medication itself is a sedative once they start administering it you just kind of fall asleep with out even realizing what is happening, and bef0re you know it you are waking up feeling like you slept seven to eight straight hours.  I personally love this part because I kind of feel like I can “catch up” on some of the hours I missed, even if I am only out for about an hour.  Following the infusion itself I had no major side effects, some tiredness for a day or so, but by two days later I feel like a whole new person.  Because of how the drug acts on the spinal cord and nerve pathways and pain pathways, it also has the added benefit of allowing me to take even less pain medication than normal.  The infusion is not itself a cure-all, and does not eliminate the need for other forms of pain management, but it does reduce the amount of time, money, effort, energy and such I have to put in to making myself feel like a normal person.  Not to mention with luck the more I get the less often they will be needed as the effects can become more long term. 

I am an Iceberg

I am an Iceberg

I am an iceberg.  Much of what makes me who I am lies deep below the surface of what most people are able to see.  I have struggled for many years with people telling me to suck it up and make do.  So that is how I lived to live my life.  I learned to hide much of who I am below the surface where no one can see it.  I may say I’m fine when you ask how I am doing, but that’s a lie, I just don’t want to admit how shitty I feel, and how this day isn’t much different from many others, or how I can see when I tell you the truth you either have nothing to say, or come up with some halfhearted reply that doesn’t really mean much.  So I learned, how to keep that part below the surface, how to carry on and do the bare minimum so no one asks if I’m okay.  But I still feel like an iceberg,  floating in the ocean, alone, isolated, only able to show a very small part of myself.  Then when I do meet others, I still keep that part of me, that true part, hidden.  

Chronic illness can do this to a person.  You get sick of people  not believing you not okay, doctor telling you to rest and take to ibuprofen, specialist not having a clue what is wrong.  It gets old not being able to say to someone “yeah I feel good” and really mean it rather than handing them an empty shell which contains no truth.  There are days and weeks, when all I can do is take care of my dogs.  They become the sole reason for my existence because I know that if I disappeared they would suffer most because no one can love or care for them like me.  The people would go on, they would heal, they would survive.  But my dogs would not understand.  So for them I get up and keep going.  For them I rise above the surface of the water and show my whole true self.  They don’t care if I say each day, “not today guys, mom just can’t”, and cry a little because I feel like I am letting them down.  They lay by my side and lick my face and remind me they love me no matter what.   

It can be difficult to describe what it’s like to suffer with a chronic illness, to have someone ask why you can’t do something and to either answer, because I just can’t, or not want to answer at all because of the repetition.  No one wants to hear about the bad, the shitty or sad days, they want to hear about the good and happy ones.  But that is just not our reality.  More times then not the bad days outweigh the good, and finding something to be happy and positive about is constant struggle.  There are so many days I just want to give up and let my iceberg sink and just be done with all this.  I want to recede into myself and protect everyone from the negativity that is my daily life. Because if I can make a positive contribution, then why bother trying.

Because what do you do when your life was planned and goals were set, only to find out his disease has shattered the bridge you need to get to them.  I keep hoping that time will show me what I am meant to do, that if I hold on a little longer a spark will ignite again and new passion will blaze to light.  But the waiting is getting harder and harder with each day that goes by.  And with each day the wish to sleep through the day and night, grows stronger.  

If I packed up my dogs and my most needed items, and just drove away would they all be better without me?  It’s not the first time the thought has occurred to me.  I’m sure if you’re reading this it hasn’t been the first time for you either.  And like an iceberg there are days I float more above the surface, where I do a little better, and things seem a little brighter.  But there are also days when almost none of me can be seen.

If you have a friend or loved one suffering with a chronic illness, I beg you to talk to them, and tell them it’s okay to be in pain and suffer, and you love them no matter what.  Tell them they can be honest about how they feel no matter how many times they repeat the same things.  Hug them every chance you get and remind them they are needed.  Chronic illness is more then a physical disease, it becomes a mental one and can eventually lead to suicide if not treated. 



It’s Ok to be Mad

It’s Ok to be Mad

Some days all I feel is anger.  I’m mad because I have this disease, mad that I have to do injections all the time, mad that my life revolves around appointments, drug delivery schedules, power outages, medical supplies, drugs, insurance.  I get mad that my disease has prevented me from working in the field I love, and I get mad that my husband works his body and soul to the ground to provide for us because I can’t, but yet we still need insurance because the drug I need would otherwise cost over 1.3 million dollars a year. 

It’s a funny thing to mad at what amounts to nothing.  I’m mad at my disease, but I can’t yell at it, or hit it, or confront it.  There is no physical object to aim my anger at unless I aim it inward toward myself.  I get mad that I’m one very small person with no influence in the world, and that I have no way to make people see what it’s like to be a person with an invisible disease.  I can’t make the ones around me understand how much I hurt both mentally and physically, and I can’t tell people why I’m mad because honestly there isn’t really a good reason.  I just am. 

Every time I think I have this disease under control, and like I can take back my life again, something happens, and it’s like I am losing my life all over again.  Not to mention how hard it is hear that others have it “worse” than me.  Because lets be honest, no one person has it worse than another, but rather each person suffers with their own illness in a unique way that is either manageable or not for them.  So that makes me mad to, when someone thinks that I should be grateful for what I have and what I have not been through, because I honestly think that’s a load of bullshit.  I have every right to be mad about what has happened to me, the same as the next person.  I may not have rods and plates and screws in my body, but still live my life around this disease, and in that way we all are the same. 

So be mad, it’s ok, scream at the world, curse whatever god you believe in for giving you this disease, or whatever disease you have.  Be mad that you can’t do the things you want, or that they are hard, or whatever it is that others make you feel like you should just except.  Pound your fists into the ground, throw something, break something, run until you collapse if you need to.  Tell your friends and family you don’t want to talk to them today, and that there isn’t a good reason other than your just mad.  Take a mental health day from work, and stay in bed, snuggle with your pets, eat an entire tub of ice cream.  Get really high and watch dumb cartoons.  Do whatever you need to to work through your anger and madness.  Don’t try to run from it or bottle it up. Keeping it inside you will only poison your soul and ruin all the things that truly are good in your life.  Sometimes you can’t do anything to make it better, sometimes you just have to be mad, until you’re not anymore.   You have to ride out the emotion like a roller coaster until you finally have the chance to get off. 

In the immortal words of “Big and Rich” if your going through hell, keep on moving.   I doubt you would willing stand in the flames and let the devil torture you if you had the chance. 

Remember that no matter what you have been through, or what you are going through, it doesn’t matter if it’s easier or harder than what someone else has gone through, you have a right to be mad about it. 

Playing on the Water

Playing on the Water

For any person with a chronic disease, or rare disease, or anything causing ongoing pain, normal summer activities can seem like the most challenging types of fun.  You have to plan and plan and plan for something as simple as a boat ride.  Do I have the meds I need, did I bring the right equipment “just in case”, do I have to do anything the next day if I over do it, is there medical attention near by if something goes wrong, if there is will they be able to properly handle my condition?  This is just the tip of the question iceberg.  But the nice thing is, the fun summer activities can be done, especially with a little advice from someone who has already done it.  

I had a chance to go visit family on a lake up north for a few days.  This also afforded the opportunity to try out some new water sports.  I was always a fish, so being in the water is nothing new to me, and I had loved going tubing as a kid.  But in the last few years those things have happened less and less to the point of non existence.  So I was naturally apprehensive at the thought of getting back on the water to try the traditional summer sports, i.e water sking, jet sking, knee boarding, tubing and so on.  

There was all the normal preparation involved, make sure to pre-medicate with a good anti-inflammatory, have pain medication on had, assess current body statues for pain and points of tenderness to make sure everything is good to go.  I had been doing pretty good, nothing flaring at the moment so I just made sure I had meds ready for later and ice packs just in case.  

My first experience was with water skies, of which I have tried before and was successful at getting up and skiing. But to say the least it was really hard on my body back then and I suffered afterward.  This time I was prepared to be careful and not push myself if there was even a hint of over doing it.  Luckily I had calm water, so no worries about dealing with wakes from other boats, plus it was less hard on my knees to keep balance.  I got up right away, which of course I was super proud of, and was able to make it once around the small lake, another victory.  By the time I was done my back was a little sore from trying to hold every muscle tight so I wouldn’t fall, but otherwise okay.  After a break, some stretching and some water I had my first chance to try knee boarding.  This made me really nervous since I have osgood-schlaters in my knees, so kinda like tiny bone hooks where the doctor always hits your knee to check reflexes.  So naturally kneeling is painful for everyday activities but bouncing up and down on a board on the water seemed like an even worse idea.  But I wanted to give it a chance because you never know what you can do until you try.  I talked it over with the person driving the boat so they knew I might bail right away if it felt like it was going to be problematic.  Luckily and surprisingly it wasn’t!  Because of the high density foam on the board and more anatomical position I was sitting in, I didn’t put any pressure on the portion of my knee that I normally do and worry about.  Plus it was less stressful on my body overall and more comfortable being that I was closer to the water so If I had to bail it would be easy and less painful when hitting the water.  Plus I actually took a minute to try kneeling on the knee board on land before giving it a shot in the water which was smart since it gave me more confidence to start. 

In the end after two days and five rides I was doing pretty good.  I took a hot bath to sooth sore muscles, and dosed with my anti-inflammatory for a few days.  Not to much pain beyond what you would expect from a physical activity.   And I had a lidocaine infusion coming up so that was just good planning in case I did cause a flare the lidocaine would help prevent it from getting bad.  

In conclusion don’t limit your summer fun to the beach and sidelines.  Take a bit and figure out a way to do those summer activities that make summer worth having.  All you have to do is take a little bit of time and plan out how your going to try those activities.  There is nothing you can’t do with a little bit of planning and creative thinking. 

The MAGIC Convention and all its wonder/knowledge

The MAGIC Convention and all its wonder/knowledge

When you think of a convention you tend to think of a boring try and sell me stuff type of event.  Like the kind you attended in high school where they tried to sell you on different types of schools and colleges.  Not this one.  The Magic foundation supports a network of families a persons suffering from a group of rare diseases including the one I suffer from, Hypophosphatasia.  I was nervous to attend my first event, I wasn’t sure what to expect and I was worried it would be dull and clinical the way so much of medicine tends to be.  

However, I was pleasantly surprised by all the things this convention had to offer.  To begin with they offered scholarships for everything from hotel and travel costs to event fees and dinner.  This is wonderful since it provides an opportunity for people with lower incomes to attend this event and network with others suffering the same disease as them.  Because of this generosity I was able to attend myself on scholarship and it greatly reduced my stress level when it came to preparing for this since I didn’t have to worry about how to come up with the extra money.  The next great opportunity they provided was a chance to speak with one of the leading experts of HPP Dr. Kathryn Dahir from Vanderbilt Center for Bone Biology.  If you signed up you were able to sit and speak with this expert and her nurse assistant.  I found this to be a rare opportunity since I do not live near any experts so I was able to ask a few questions and speak with this professional on my particular disease state, something I wouldn’t have had an opportunity to do normally.  The next opportunity was a free dental screening by a well versed dentist on rare diseases and how they affect the teeth.  I was very grateful for this since my own dentist, despite being very good, was unable to explain to me why I could not have the procedures done I wanted.    

Like all conventions there was a trade room that had booths with different companies promoting their products.  Though many of the booths did not pertain to me, and there was no booth for the product I use or my disease, there were still a few booths that I benefited from.  Not to mention some of the swag they were giving away was universally useful, so needless to say I did walk away with a few beneficial products.  

For those who traveled with children there were a number of services offered including a full staff of highly trained child care persons.  They had field trips and parties and other various activities planned for the children which allowed the parents to attend the talks and lectures pertaining to their or their child’s ailments.  If I had been there and a child I imagine it would have been very fun since some of the activities included field trips to amusement parks, scavenger hunts, dress up parties, along with a variety of games, give aways, and crafts.   

The convention had several conference rooms for each of the diseases sponsored with refreshments and breaks after each session.  The organization brought in specialist to speak on everything from dental issues, medical issues, dietary concerns, and durable medical equipment and exercise.  Most of the lectures were well put and well rounded made to address those suffering from all ages.  Some were a bit hasty and not as good as others but over all the information was beneficial and I was able to make contact with some great specialists who can help provide my medical and dental professionals as home with more current and relevant information.  

There were mix and mingle parties for both the men and the ladies, to allow different people from different disease groups get to know each other as well as allowing time for networking within ones own disease group.  This is one of the things I most benefited from since when you live with a rare disease it can become very isolating when you never make physical contact with others in similar situations.  There is always a digital presence and community, but that only goes so far to console someone suffering otherwise alone.  

To top off all the great things this convention provided the organization also offered dinner for two of the three nights we stayed there.  This is the only area I can honestly say was lacking.  The food was geared solely towards children and there was no consideration for persons with any type of dietary restrictions.  There were multiple buffet lines and I feel it would have been much nicer if at least one of those had offered more adult and nutrition conscious options.  Despite this downfall the whole thing was a success and a lot of fun.  

I was lucky enough to meet many of the people at this convention and really enjoyed taking pictures as many of disease sponsored primarily affect children, so there were a lot of cute little faces to capture on camera.  The follow are some of the images I took.

Dark side of rare

Dark side of rare

Sometimes I’m not sure where to start.  So many thoughts run through my brain, like endless waves crashing against an ever shrinking wall.  I wonder sometimes why me?  How did I get so “lucky” to be so “special”, and if I really am then how?  I’ve been told that God does not give us anything we are incapable of handling, but it doesn’t always feel that way.  Like when I lay awake in the small hours of the morning with nothing to calm the crashing waves.  Sometimes I think my mind is worse than my disease.   I have been diagnosed with an “ultra-rare” disease.  Shit like that doesn’t happen.  Bad breakups, heartache, failure, success, those are the things that happen.  I break my arm, or get dumped, I even crash my car.  All these are so small and insignificant when someone tells you that you suffer from a disease that most professionals can only claim to have heard of maybe once in their medical education.  I curse modern technology and medical advancements sometimes because without them I would just have kept living my small endless circle of feeling like there was something wrong, being depressed, breaking down, then getting over it.  But nope, not anymore, now I know I have Hypophosphatasia.  To be honest, among a million others thoughts, I worry about the way my disease effects those around me.  What does my husband feel, how are my parents doing, do my friends and family take me seriously when I try to explain?  I can’t read minds, but sometimes I wish I could because then I would know for sure.  What do you do when the person you love is suffering?  If I’m honest with myself, and the roles were reversed, and my husband or mother or father told me they had this……I’d be devastated.  I’m not sure I would ever be able to treat them or look or think about them in the same way.  But somehow I expect for those around me to both act like nothing has changed, but also empathize with me.  Kind of a have your cake and eat it to type of thing.   I had goals once, and dreams, I was going to be someone and do great things.  Somehow that feels so hard now, and yeah I’m 28 years old with my whole life ahead of me.  But sometimes I want to skip to the end, like reading a book, and see what happens.  A part of me needs to know if things might have been different.  And what would have happened if I had known in my “younger” years that I had this, or if I had never had it at all.  Would school have been more tolerable, would people have been nicer to me.  I’m not sure if that would have been a good thing since sometimes kindness from pity is worse then cruelty.  There is a certain kind of loneliness that comes with being “rare”, and an even worse one when you look “normal”.  

When you have a rare progressive disease no one seems to think of the other effects besides how it affects your body.  You don’t think about how it affects the family, your future, the chance for children, travel, even whether or not you can work in the field of your choice.  No one wants to feel like the greek Atlas holding the world on your shoulders, but the reality is that is what we deal with.  Being rare is not limited to the effects of the disease on the individual, it expands to effect every part of that persons life and extended life.

So I encourage you if you know someone with a rare disease, especially if that disease is invisible to take a few minutes and consider that that person is not only carrying the burden of their own disease, but how their disease affects all the people around them.

Minneapolis Pride and HPP: Invisible Acceptance

Minneapolis Pride and HPP: Invisible Acceptance

I recently had the chance to visit an event known to many as the main celebration for the LGBTQ+ community, Pride.  The vacation was all planned, two whole days of concerts, clubs, shows, festivals and more.  For those with HPP this can be exhausting and painful just to think about.  And for the most part they would be right.  Take a second and think about the difficulties a 28 year old with an invisible illness goes through when trying to keep up with other youngsters their own age during a massive summer event.  Starting with the parking.  If you have ever gone to a festival or major concert of any kind you know that parking can be a real bitch.  You can expect to pay a ton and walk two plus miles to get from your car to the actual outskirts of the event.  Many places, though having handicap parking, are still wholly inadequate for those with more severe and obvious disabilities.  Given that I was going through a particular rough spell with pain in my SI joint I really was hoping for something semi close and easy to walk through so I could use all my energy to enjoy the festivities.  Having been to other events I was worried after we had circled several times only to find nothing available and people flocking from miles around.  So taking the chance I wouldn’t be looked at as the typical “faker” of a disabled tag I am used to I pulled over and asked a police officer if there was any designated handicap parking.  He very polity and with a smile replied that there was a whole street blocked off for that purpose and then explained how to get there. This was my first bit of excitement, designated parking nearby, so there was a shot!  After finding the street I pleased to find a spot open immediately, near a sidewalk, and near the festival restrooms, which also btw’s had a handicap port a potty.  Normally when I put up my placard I get a sense of worry, like people are judging me and that this might be the time I come back to a nasty sign on my windshield.  But something was different this time, no looked twice and I felt immediately at home and comfortable.  

After parking we began the adventure of Pride festival.  Being that anything can happen I tend to look around first thing and try to identify staff, emergency personnel, and first aid tents.  Again I was pleased to pick out staff easily as well as officers on bikes, on foot, and golf cart, riding and walking around ensuring everyone could thoroughly enjoy their time.  This always makes me feel better for the “just in case” scenario where I fall wrong or get run into and something terrible happens requiring immediate medical attention. 

To my great joy and surprise, I was able to keep up with my friends for the whole day as we walked around.  Normally I have a limited amount of time determined by how much and when I take pain and pre meds to prepare for an eventful day.  However being that I was post Lidocaine infusion I was doing particularly well and thought I would try going without. For the most part I did great.  I never had to be the one to stop and take a break, or sit down and rest, and we didn’t have to leave early for me because of my pain.  Last summer this never would have happened, and because of my disease I never would have noticed what a great event to go to if you have a disability or need a little more security when going to festivals.  I had a blast and people were friendly and accepting wherever we went.  There were hundreds of booths and rows dedicated entirely to single subjects.  

There was everything from pet adoption, to different religions, adoption and fostering, medical care, dental care, insurance, education, the list goes on and on.  The culture was extremely diverse and truly a pleasure to have the chance to experience.  Those working the booths were always more then happy to share their product/service or simply point someone in the right direction.  Not to mention the free swag they were giving away was a major plus in some cases.  

As we wandered around what quickly began to resemble a wonderland fit for Alice I noticed the number of service dogs and ESA’s around, as well as extra seating and places to rest.  I always love to take my service dog with me when I go places as he can carry things for me if I am having a bad day, or I just need the support and a friend to help tell me when I pushing myself to hard.  But sometimes it makes me very uncomfortable in public as my dog doesn’t look much like a service dog, and to be honest I don’t look disabled. But here I felt things would have been different.  The air itself was tangible with acceptance, regardless of whatever, or whomever may be accompanying you.  

The next thing I found surprising but also awesome was the food selection.  As many people with rare diseases know there are almost always some sort of dietary guidelines or restrictions that go along with the disease.  This can mean finding food when you go out can be difficult unless you wanna have a “cheat day” and pay for it later.  But at the Pride festival there were several choices that allowed for many different diets from vegan, vegetarian, paleo and more.  I was happy to not have to think to hard about what I was ordering.  There were also plenty of places to get a drink and dispose of the garbage afterwords, but there were also no restrictions on bringing stuff in.  Given that alcohol was the one exception since the festival did provide the traditional beer tent, you were allowed to bring bottles of water or Gatorade to stay hydrated on the semi warm day. 

Later that night I was able to attend a small show put on at LUSH , a traditionally gay bar playing host to some very entertaining acts.  While enjoying the atmosphere and people watching I was able to meet some to the Drag Queens whom were there to perform.  For me this is always fun and exciting as I consider Drag Queens to be literally walking pieces of art, and have followed RuPaul’s Drag Race since the beginning.  They were amazing and wonderful people.  Never have I felt so normal and comfortable with people as I did when talking to the queens of LUSH.  In particular I had the pleasure to meet the lovely and talented Shangela Laquifa Wadley.  She approached me with warmth and smile despite how tired she must have been.  She spoke softly and made me wish I had more of a chance to sit and talk than just a quick fan to fame moment.  But despite this I was able to get a few good photos together and give her my business card directing her to my website here!  As silly as this sounds that small gesture made me feel so good.  I had just had the opportunity to pass on some knowledge, and possibly educate someone with power about one of the zebra diseases.  Giving her my card was a huge leap of faith and to be honest at 2:30am I wouldn’t blame her if she lost it or never bothered to look.  The point was she was kind and took the card, and I had the chance to spread the word about HPP to someone who matters. 

The last step in my journey through Pride was to attend the cant miss event, the parade.  For miles the street was lined with all manner of people in all manner of dress.  We had been running a little late so naturally I was concerned I might have missed the best parts but whether it was fortunate or not a “Black Lives Matter” protest in the middle of the parade street had delayed the start of the the parade by nearly an hour.  I was somewhat baffled as to why the protesters choose that place and that time to express themselves since it was interfering in an event meant to promote acceptance and equality for all.  Despite this my friends and I were able to locate a decent position where I could comfortably stand or sit and watch or take photos of the parade.  It was such a great time to see so many people openly expressing their true inner selves.  I loved being able to capture the souls of some of the parade walkers who truly shown.  It is not often that people allow us to see that intimate part of themselves that at our core defines us.  To capture in on camera was a challenge and pleasure.  

I definitely plan to attend this event in the future and I hope you all enjoy the article and the photos.  Some have been edited some are just as they were taken.

Fight for a Job I Love

Fight for a Job I Love

Never in my life have I been told I didn’t get the job after I had been basically guaranteed it.  Never has my medical history or medications been an issue.  I work in EMS, and I’m good at it.  I love to help people and work with patients.  I know how to make someone feel better when they are experiencing one of the scariest times of their lives.  Never did I think that I would not be able to work in the field I was put on this earth to be a part of. 

But sometimes life has a way of kicking you when you’re down, and turning you in a different direction.  God knows it’s happened to me more then once. Every time I get kicked I somehow manage to pick myself up and start over.  I don’t know how that this point because if I was humpty dumpty there would just be to many tiny pieces to try and put back together again.  But there is also an ancient Chinese practice that says when something is broken you do not throw it away as though it no longer has value, you mend it with gold, and make it better.  So I guess I can also be seen to be made of mostly gold from the number of times I have been mended.  

Today after feeling like there was no way I could pick myself up again I had a few things happen that renewed my strength in the fight I have to live my life fully and help others to do the same.  

The first thing was having a Lidocaine infusion this morning and even if the effects last only a few hours, I got the chance to remember what it feels like to live without pain.  I was so happy I could have cried because I didn’t realize how much pain I had been carrying around with me for so long, and how heavy it had gotten.  I smiled and it felt good, I stretched and nothing hurt, I napped and didn’t wake up with something in pain.  So I am grateful for this day because it reminded me I still have some fight left in me.  

The second thing that happened was I came across a young woman, deaf since the age of 18 from a connective tissue disorder, competing in a singing competition of all things.  As I watched her video I could feel the hairs all over my body stand up.  She sang beautifully on stage barefoot to feel the vibrations from the bass to keep time, and took ques from her interpreter down by the judges.   This is someone who gave up on something she loved for many years and then somehow found the strength and determination to make it work and reclaim the love she had lost so long ago.  I decided right then that this would be the video I would watch the next time I got kicked, the next time someone told me I couldn’t or wasn’t able to.  Because this girl is living proof of living life without limits!

Watch this girl and know you can do anything!